The Pain of Having a Miscarriage

July 2003

I found out I was pregnant and I was really excited. Although it came unexpectedly, meaning it was unplanned, the joy that I felt was indescribable.

I enjoyed feeling pregnant, I was always getting hungry. I craved for a specific fruit, pomelo. It had to be really red otherwise I didn't eat it. I hated to share it and I loved dipping it in red cane vinegar.

We even had a nickname for our baby, we were going to call her "BLUE".

I had several transvaginal ultrasound and everything was normal, the baby had a heart beat.

My boyfriend and I decided to get married earlier than planned and was busy preparing for our wedding and the baby.

I was on top of the world!!

September 2003

On the 12th week of pregnancy, I went to the OB for my regular check-up. There was no heart beat....The baby stopped growing at 9 1/2 weeks.

My world collapsed and I was so stunned with the news that I couldn't really react.

The OB said that sometimes these things happen and that at times its even better this way because the baby was not healthy.

I was immediately scheduled for a D&C and in 3 days I was out of the hospital. The OB termed it as missed abortion.

I was crying the whole time I was in the hospital. I had questions like, Why baby blue? Did I do something wrong? Was it because I really didn't take care of myself? Was it because initially my Mom was ashamed because I got pregnant without the benefit or marriage? Was I a bad person?

I just couldn't move on. Good thing that I was also preparing for our wedding that's why I was kept busy and didn't really had the time to dwell on my sadness. Although, from time to time I would suddenly cry and just remember baby blue.